Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Golden Crap Award

With all the award shows available, you would think that one would have come up with this idea before me. I am a great fan of the Oscars, the Emmy's, and even the Grammy's, but they all have one thing in common; they celebrate achievement.

Don't get me wrong, I think this is a wonderful thing. Most people consider me to be an optimist. My glass is for the most part half full. But even I have seen a lack in the workmanship that goes into the simplest of things we purchase these days. I rarely complain about these products, but recently I've noticed that even big ticket items are falling into this category.

Take for instance my minivan. Because I believe in the "American Dream" I dare not write the make or model of my minivan in this blog. But I cannot help but wonder what type of day the man on the assembly line was having when he was putting my van together. Maybe his mother didn't let him play with puzzles as a boy. Maybe he had some bad Chinese the night before and forgot to push the stop button on the assembly line when he rushed into the bathroom. The van just kept rolling, and before anyone caught on, it was driven into my driveway minus a few hundred parts.

Thank the Almighty for warranties. For without such a thing, there quite possibly may be more murders. I'm not saying that I would do anything crazy like that, but after it began to rain inside the car, yes that's right, I said inside the car, I didn't know what I was capable of doing. If that had been the only problem I may have just gone home and made myself a cocktail. But because the problems multiplied times three, I was forced to drink the whole damn bottle. The steering broke, the door rusted, the tie rod cracked, the paint chipped, and the gas cap was replaced. And the list goes on. I'm still wondering if the whole thing just decides to simultaneously combust, what are the odds that I will be saved by an airbag?

So I sit and blog about this piece of @*$# sitting in my driveway.For in its own way it is gaining celebrity. I am currently looking for a buyer that will give it as much love as our family did. Maybe it will have a change of heart and be at it's best behavior for the next owner. In the time being I continue to watch countless hours of car commercials. I think my favorite is the one for Cadillac when the redhead is going no less than 90 miles down the road then turns to the camera and says: "You have to ask yourself, when you turn on your car, does it return the favor?" I want to reach through the television and strangle that women. An orgasm while driving my minivan? You must be kidding! A stroke, heart attack, and flat line are more like it.

So it is with great honor that I bestow the first ever Golden Crap Award to my minivan. For it's countless hours at trying no less than to unsuccessfully (so far) end my life. This belongs to you.

Until then, if Virginia there is a Santa Claus, could you send him a text about a certain family wishing for some shiny new wheels. Tell him I heard a Cadillac will bring a smile to my face!

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